caterpillar talk

“May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun
And find your shoulder to light on,
To bring you luck, happiness and riches
Today, tomorrow and beyond.”
–Irish Blessing

on august 9, 2007 i wrote: waaaah my baby boy left for canada this morning. no more wake up calls of ate katrweeen for me from him in the mornings. no more impish shouting matches with him in the evenings, too.

go well, little guy!

now, i can only hug the small pillow he left behind. a pair of his shoes (with his small socks inside) and a pair of his slippers adorn the bookshelves in the girls’ room. there’s a copy of his passport picture stuck under the glass on the table in the room where i sleep. last weekend, i saw him smiling and waving at me through the webcam. through pc-to-pc call, he said, “hi ate valinkatrweeen! how are you?” the fact that he can make out my name completely makes me so damn proud of him! he’s only two.

wasn’t it only a little more than a week ago when he told me “flowers for you!” and insisted that i sing along to his toddler-ish guitar-playing?

on the bright side, no one’s gonna wrestle the marshmallows, stik-o’s, and lollipops out of my hands anymore. i can enjoy eating them in peace.

still, i wish he’s back here. he’s my favorite jolly brat, you know, and the marshmallows don’t look as sweet anymore.

p.s. video clips of his toddler antics are here.

her: why are you still watching over me?
him: maybe for the same reason you’ve been watching me.

so mushy but still… *awwwwwwww*

thoughts. thoughts. why does it take so much for people to openly admit how they really feel? instead of being straightforward, why choose to be subtle and merely say something as ’safe’ as “maybe for the same reason you’ve been watching me” when there’s “i do care”?

it’s not as if you’ll die if you clearly let the other person know. what’s so threatening about owning up to your emotions? it won’t make you a lesser person.

this little guy is so lucky — he gets away with his show of unbridled passion and never fails to make me giggle. woot!

p.s. i got those her-him lines from smallville. even superman ain’t super when it comes to these things.

“Come forth into the light of things,
Let nature be your teacher.”
– William Wordsworth

2007 — yes, this year — is the year when 1982 babies like me turn 25. while i am still a lot of months away from officially embracing my own “25-ness,” i can’t help but, at this early, share some thoughts that have to do with the quarter year mark. admit it, turning 25 is a time for contemplation.

when i was young, i thought i’d never get to live past the age of 18. i also thought then that those in their 20’s were so mature and responsible already. it was difficult to see myself growing into something like them.

the truth is, even at this stage of my life, i think i’ll never grow into something like them. i feel like i’m an outsider to my own age group.

while i’m aware that i’m expected to carry out certain responsibilities and behave accordingly, i don’t see myself doing things like the rest of the throng does.

i’m wary of following the most convenient, prestigious, “safe”, expected, or already laid out path. i have no wish to be led straight to boredom.

i don’t want to live a life mostly spent on work and routine, i don’t want to be a slave of the world, i don’t want to be tied to seemingly important but are in fact inconsequential things and, in the process, put to waste my blessings and forget what it’s like to live free-spiritedly.

while i’m willing to let go of my childish tendencies, i cannot see myself giving up my child-like qualities. i want to run around, pursue thrills, feel the wind blowing on my hair, keep being inspired, be forever curious about the things around me, enjoy skipping and hopping, among other things.

i want my life to really count, too, which is why i’m trying to zero-in on the ONE thing i’m meant to do. i maybe enjoying a state of placidness right now — no biggie responsibilities, no biggie duties, no biggie worries, no energy-zappers — but i’m also using up this time to think clearly about THE options. it is an apt time to be thinking about such things.

out of the unique paths i can make, i know there’s ONE thing out there that i’d like to do and that it’s the ONE thing i’m meant to do. BUT i still have to figure out what it is.

no doubt, i have questions — too many of them — but i’m not about to stress myself just so i could get the answers right here, right now. i believe rilke put it well when he wrote, “Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

yes. there’s no rush. nowhere is it said to waste life by being complacent either. the important thing is to LIVE and, by so doing, find THE answer.

turning 25 is a time for contemplation. it is also a time for celebration.

p.s. two of my closest friends (cinema buddy and travel buddy) are turning 25 this month and i feel like i’m turning 25 with them — mainly because, like me, they’re too young to be 25.

the bus came to a stop. through the bus window, i saw this big old tree which really fascinated me. it looked like acacia but it also looked like mahogany. i’m not sure which of the two it really was, but it was standing tall, imposing, and attractive. i felt it would be good to climb it. i thought, “the tree’s mine if i could reach the first big branch. i could claim it as my own.”

i set out to climb the big old tree. this, despite the fact that my tree-climbing experiences had only been limited to climbing guava, cacao, and talisay trees that don’t really grow so tall.

as i started my way up, he — who must have watched me as i got off the bus and followed — also started to climb up the tree. to each other, we’re friends yet we’ve remained strangers and we climbed in silence. he reached the branch — my chosen branch — ahead of me and offered his hand to help me up. the next thing i knew, i was already sitting on my branch and enjoying the sights before me to my heart’s delight.

he was there beside me… but to me, it was just me, the spectacular scene that being up on the tree gave me, my branch, and my tree. his presence wasn’t getting in the way (even though i felt bad that he beat me to my branch. grrrr). when i sighed — tired from the climb — he gave my back a very brief rub. at that moment, even though we’re strangers, we’re friends. up there on my tree, we shared in silence an atmosphere of comforting strangeness and awkward familiarity.

then the time came for me to go down. he must have sensed it. he made his way down the tree ahead of me. i didn’t follow.

although i so wanted to find my way back to the ground, my acrophobia kicked in the moment i looked down and became fully aware of how far i’ve gone up just to reach my branch.

he was back on the ground, perhaps watching, waiting for my next move, although of this i couldn’t be too sure. i was more concerned about my safety. there was no way i could find my way down on my own.

i allowed my voice to break the silence. i called out for help and one of my able-bodied uncles came running. (now don’t ask me where my uncle came from — this was a dream and we all know everything is possible in a dream.) by some twisted stroke of genius, i figured it was easier to jump off from the tree and i only needed someone to catch me. so i jumped off from my spot on the tree and was caught safely by someone who was family. after seeing to it that i was alright, my uncle left, went on his way.

soon, it was just me, him, and my tree again. friends yet strangers standing in silence under the canopy of my tree and surrounded by comforting strangeness and awkward familiarity. i felt happy.

i walked away from the tree and back to the bus. he followed and walked beside me.

as we walked back to the bus together, i thought of what the peculiar smile on his face was trying to say through the silence. i don’t know if it was “i was willing to catch you, you could have asked me… but hey, i’m glad you’re safe” or “i’m glad you asked somebody else.” i realized i don’t really know him well. to me, he’s a stranger but i also know we’re friends.

something in the air told me he claimed ownership of the tree before i did. i wasn’t able to pursue this thought though…

…because just as we reached the bus, i woke up.

—

just a few questions from here on…

what does it mean when one dreams of a big old tree? of climbing up a big old tree? of claiming it?

and the bus, does it have significance?

is this a dream worthy of an interpretation? or is this just one of those… uhmmm… inconsequential dreams which my subconscious playfully created for me?

oh well. “goodnight, dear void.”

truth be told, i don’t have the ability to climb up a big old tree without the aid of ropes and ladders. even with ropes and ladders, i know i’d still find it difficult and daunting.

“He should’ve said goodbye before he left”
– from the K-series, Full House

you tenacious little fighter, you have to stop being difficult. otherwise, this just might be where we part ways.

do not ask me for him anymore. i’ve done more than enough to help your cause. i already let you have your way. do not ask me to do more.

you are one great heart but he doesn’t feel you.

the sooner you believe that and the sooner you accept that you will never ever be his priority, the better for my sanity you will be.

hu-whaaat?

argh. kakasabi ko lang na tumigil ka na. gud lak na lang sa ‘yo.

FOR SALE: one foolish heart. too tenacious for my own good.