caterpillar talk

hey, i miss you.

i can’t tell you, of course. i gave you my word that i won’t bother you anymore. here, in my little space, i dare write because i know you no longer come here.

when this month rolled in, my thoughts redirected back to you. you’ve become the character in my prevalent thoughts — i can’t help but think that, maybe, i’m starting to go crazy. wow. what is it with you that refuses to completely leave me? why can’t my mind be totally free from remembering you? why do i have to miss you still?

it’s been — what? — since the last time i saw you? four years? yet it now again feels like it was only last week when we spent time together for the first and last time.

for the first and last time. will there never be another? come to think of it. we never had real time together except for that afternoon we had on your 25th birthday. everything else we shared only existed in our minds, in virtual compartments with elements that neither you nor i could touch. despite that, i could say that our times together — whether real or imagined — brought my heart so much joy. i began to believe things were gonna go uphill from there. i ended up having to accept that i was wrong. so wrong.

i was badly hurt when you told me you already left. i didn’t think you were leaving — i assumed you’d stay. worse, i had to find out the hard way. i wasn’t ready for pain when my heart started breaking. it made me sick but i went on with my life. in mind, body, and spirit, i was shaken but there was no other option but to move on. so, i did — at first, with feeble steps. then, in big leaps.

i’m sorry if i couldn’t accommodate your invitation for that adventure which, in my heart of hearts, i also wanted. i wasn’t playing hard to get. i wasn’t deliberately trying to avoid seeing you again. it’s just that you extended the invitation rather late. i also have my own adventure plans and although i would consider re-charting them (or dropping them, for that matter) so i could spend time with you again — even for just a little while, that time when you asked was that one time when i could not change paths. i wanted to see you then like i’ve been wanting to see you all this time. but. but. but… i did not feel that you really wanted to see me. you merely wanted an adventure partner but not really me.

you’ve allowed more than four years to pass. gone where the buzzes that i used to get, gone were the times when you initiated our conversations, and the butterflies in my stomach have all fallen asleep.

do i still dare to hope? right now, i wish i matter to you. i wish you care. i wish you would seek me to see me and make the butterflies fly again. i miss the way you made me feel.

it was also october when you first sought me and deliberately made your path cross mine. it was nine years ago. it’s already so many years ago.

kung totoo ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal na lang ako ng isang alaala, bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako?

kanina.

na-busy ang yahoo messenger ko. si former roommate. nangungumusta. mega kumustahan. pakonti-konting kwento tungkol dito at tungkol doon. habang may team meeting, nakikipagdaldalan ako sa yahoo messenger. smiley dito, smiley doon. sagot dito, sagot doon. hanggang sa umabot sa topic na boylets.

ikakasal ka na ba?

ako: hindi, ikaw ba? pa’no ‘ko ikakasal?

simpleng tanong. pero affected ako. hindi sa dahil gusto ko nang magpakasal. naalala ko lang si all-time fave guy. kumusta na kaya siya? naiisip pa kaya niya ako? bakit ba ang layo na niya?

matagal ko na siyang hindi nakikita. ni anino niya, di ko na nakita since more than two years ago. ayoko na umasa pero mahal ko pa rin siya. yan ang alam ko. wherever he is. whatever he is doing. ako, i’ll root for him. masakit man umasa sa wala. mahal ko pa rin siya. siya na hindi ko na nakikita.

Lord, pag humiling ba ako ngayon, pagbibigyan mo ako? gusto ko na po siyang makita ulit. pero kung wala na po siyang pakialam sa akin… sana matutunan ko na di na umasa.