caterpillar talk

kung totoo ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko na nagmamahal na lang ako ng isang alaala, bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako?

kanina.

na-busy ang yahoo messenger ko. si former roommate. nangungumusta. mega kumustahan. pakonti-konting kwento tungkol dito at tungkol doon. habang may team meeting, nakikipagdaldalan ako sa yahoo messenger. smiley dito, smiley doon. sagot dito, sagot doon. hanggang sa umabot sa topic na boylets.

ikakasal ka na ba?

ako: hindi, ikaw ba? pa’no ‘ko ikakasal?

simpleng tanong. pero affected ako. hindi sa dahil gusto ko nang magpakasal. naalala ko lang si all-time fave guy. kumusta na kaya siya? naiisip pa kaya niya ako? bakit ba ang layo na niya?

matagal ko na siyang hindi nakikita. ni anino niya, di ko na nakita since more than two years ago. ayoko na umasa pero mahal ko pa rin siya. yan ang alam ko. wherever he is. whatever he is doing. ako, i’ll root for him. masakit man umasa sa wala. mahal ko pa rin siya. siya na hindi ko na nakikita.

Lord, pag humiling ba ako ngayon, pagbibigyan mo ako? gusto ko na po siyang makita ulit. pero kung wala na po siyang pakialam sa akin… sana matutunan ko na di na umasa.

“People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort — that’s a law of nature — and you defied that.”
– Dr. Gregory House of House, MD

‘not going anywhere good’

had i affirmed that phrase, had i believed in it, it would have held true.

BUT never did i and never will i.

i examined the basis and found it wanting.

i have learned to choose the words i take to be true — not out of juvenile denial but out of wisdom. i will believe only those that are worth affirming. a negative phrase like that, when left unchecked and unopposed, can snowball. words, after all, are powerful.

imagine if i had no mind of my own. if i bought that phrase hook, line, and sinker, i would have allowed myself to be irreversibly tricked of and robbed of a meaning, and i would have been sent running away from my life’s path.

i guess, in my case, defiance is a gift. i am carrying on with the road i was left with because i still believe in it. without wax.

it is mine to care for and live for. it is something i often prayed i could tirelessly fight for.

just because it is a rough road it does not mean that it is not the right path. there are surprises to be had and blessings are poured on those who have the courage to labor for them, thereby, deserving them. the best fruits of the path are revealed only to those who dare not turn their back when blocked with obstacle after obstacle after obstacle. faith has its rewards, unwavering faith moreso.

to you who said it, it’s been awhile but i am pretty sure our paths will cross again… soon. don’t take that as a threat.

it’s an invitation.

“I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
There’s something that I’m supposed to be
Someday we’ll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.”
– Rainbow Connection

last thursday, i went on a little adventure on my own in cagayan de oro city. to find my way back to iligan, i got on a bus and i got myself a window seat. the sun was about to set when the bus pulled out of the terminal and for a while i got my share of the sun’s kiss as bright yellow-orange rays pierced through the glass window.

as the bus plied the route leading back to my home city, the blue sky started to bleed with reddish and orange hues. i couldn’t help but look and look out of the window. it was going to be more than an hour ride and, instead of sleeping the time off, i decided to spend it observing the scenes unfolding outside. so there i was, looking out, fascinated by the struggle between cool and warm colors as the sky assumed its multi-colored sunset glory. where the sky remained blue, there were hints of clouds and a rainbow… and another rainbow!

wow, rainbows in the sky during sunset! what a sight! it’s been quite a while since i last observed a rainbow adorning the sky… and suddenly seeing not just one but two of them? i took in the sight with child-like excitement!

what i especially liked about what i saw was the fact that the rainbows were not of the usual semi-circular type — they appeared like multi-colored beams from high-intensity artificial light sources, projected straight up from the low-lying clouds and received by the high-altitude clouds. definitely, a sight to behold! i feel sorry for the other passengers who were either sleeping or too busy paying attention to the tv-onboard. they missed the wonderful sky show!

i went all dreamy looking at the rainbows and the beautifully bleeding sky. it was easy to convince myself that someone watching over me put them there especially for me to see.

i eventually lost sight of the rainbows as the blue sky continued to bleed, trying to win in vain its battle against darkness… but a wonderful, dreamy feeling stayed with me. i half-imagined that the care bears were somewhere in the clouds, secretly waving, winking, and smiling.

i got a priceless bus ride for PhP130.

“It’s because I like you, I don’t want to be with you.
It’s a complicated emotion.”
– Marlin, Finding Nemo

this post’s alternate title should read: sa maka-relate lang

“if i fall from grace here with you, would you leave me, too?”
– from Smashing Pumpkins’ Galapogos

my friends are going through heart-related troubles these days. i, as a friend, am a pendulum swinging from being cynical and sarcastic about their situations (”and why should he miss you???”) to being optimistically sympathetic (”carry on. soon, there will be joy…”). on and on…

ever proud, ever optimistic me — i try not to be affected by their stories and i refuse to think about my own heart being black and blue. no, not my shamelessly tenacious heart. i’ve sheltered it so it is safe.

but sh*t just happens, right?

i remain in my safety bubble — happy, blissful — imagining myself to be no different from the girl who sits on the shore, walks through the water to run after a school of fish, cups saltwater with her hands, plays with the sand with her toes, flirts with the breeze, giggling, untroubled, unhurt. with that, i get ahead in life. oh, yes, i get ahead.

but words and thoughts and melodies float in the air like dandelion puffs do. they find their way into the safety bubble and stir an otherwise already peaceful heart into restlessness.

“let me out… let me speak…”

no. i’m not ready for the insane flood of senti-babble… i listen but i refuse to write down the words. i take time and become aware how bad it is to want to express something and still be trapped. so i relent. i write things down… write… erase… write… erase… and then i end up quoting that old song by ambrosia which has been lulling me to sleep…

Oh, what’s the matter baby?
Is the truth too hard to hear
Well, I think you know I’m not the one who lied
And now it’s all behind us
And we both play out our lives
But the years don’t change the way I feel inside
[reason says, "pwede malumos?"]

So we play the game out
Though it feels the same now
Are you missin’ me?
[reason says, "asa pa ba?"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You’re part of me that I just can’t let go

Well, tell me somethin’ baby
Is there still some thing inside
To remind you of the way it used to be?
And how the years have rolled by
Still there’s somethin’ I must say
No one ever could have loved you more than me
[reason says, "as the sister would say, 'ka-feeler oi!' "]

So I’m passin’ time now
Wishin’ you were mine now
Are you missin’ me?

Well you know it’s not too late
Oh, how long must I wait
Oh, to hear you say

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You’re part of me that I just can’t let go

And I need your love
Everywhere I go there’s a memory
If you can’t decide on me
Well you gotta make up your mind
Someday you’re gonna find
You just might need me
[reason says, "hehe, kay libre mag-ilusyon"]

Well now, baby just be aware
Of how much I still care
Oh, I need your love

I gave to you my heart and soul
Now I just need to let you know
You’re part of me that I just can’t let go

in an attempt to thwart this yet another public display of “madness”, reason comes by, hauling in pride by the neck — howling: remember, remember? — but it is too late. both reason and pride be damned. this time, like it was in other times gone by and like it will be in future times, my temporarily emboldened heart wins. if there’s no objection, i’m gonna go and feed it some valium now…

so, i go back to thinking about my friends’ troubles. buying them ice cream won’t do the trick — i just know so. could something else be done except to go through it all and beat time?

on a related note, according to khalil gibran, sorrow is joy unmasked. if joy and sorrow are inseparable, then it can also be said that joy is sorrow unmasked.(?) life then is a cycle of unmaskings?

soon, sorrow will be unmasked… and there’ll be joy. see? i’m that optimistic and i try to infect my friends with it.

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.”
– Alexander Pope

image source: pon and zi gallery

umpisa tayo sa salitang pakshet na ang ibig sabihin ay… pakshet. well, yun na yun. tapos yada yada yada, manira ng mga pakshet (kaya nga pakshet), magpaka-bitter, yada yada yada… until umabot sa pakshet ending.

ito’y isang artik na nabuo dahil sa request ng isang tao diyan.

may kaibigan ako, sam ang pangalan niya. hindi kasi siya makapagblog dahil sa isang major pakshet reason kaya sabi niya ako na lang daw magblog tungkol sa pakshet.

normally, di ko ginagawa ‘to. tingnan mo na lang, sa title pa lang, may mura na. tapos bitter-bitteran mode pa ang required para makasulat ng ganito. gusto ko sana more on good vibes nasa blogsite ko. pero di ba, paminsan-minsan dapat lumihis ng daan?

ang mga kwentong masakit sa bangs, bow.

sandamakmak na ang mga pakshet na kwento pero people just can’t get enough… mahal mo, di ka mahal. hindi mo mahal, mahal ka. mahal mo, mahal ka pero dahil sa mala-nobelang twists and turns na dadaigin pa yata ang mga nasa soap operas, hindi kayo… or hindi na kayo. pwedeng mahal mo, mahal ka pero pareho kayong di alam na patay na patay pala kayo sa isa’t-isa. pwede ring yung mahal mo, ang mahal niya, mahal ka… awww. nakakatuwang nakakabaliw. so pakshet talaga.

leche siya
as in???
hahahahaha
bwisit pa
oo nga leche sila shet
ayan… shet din siya
bwahahahahaha pakshet?
wahaahah, di nila alam minumura na natin sila
magkwento ka naman aliwin mo ko
yoko magkwento. mapapamura lang din ako. tapos may-i-bring-back-all-the-pain chuvaness, wag na

naku, pwede talagang makabuo ng mala-thesis na compilation of pakshet stories. mapapalitanya pa tayo sa mura nyan…

ba’t kasi pagdating sa mga bagay na may kinalaman ang emosyon, nababading na lahat. self-preservation first ang drama. kaya kahit ikawindang na ng buhay at bumabaha na ng pakshet emotions, kailangang mag-hold back at indahin ang pakshet. sa ganun talaga.

kahit anong isipin mo, di pa rin magbabago tingin mo sa kanya, ganun talaga yun, kaya nga pakshet di ba? kasi in spite and despite all yung drama… umayaw ka na, affected ka pa rin. kilig. selos. asar. emo. achus.

e sa ganon lang talaga e. minsan bratty talaga ang heart nyahahahaha

magkauban ka pa sa sobrang inis, kumanta ka pa ng mga achy-breaky songs, ma-solve man ng mga luha mo ang water crisis, mag-compare-compare ka pa ng mga worst pakshet stories of all time, wala pa rin. pakshet pa rin.

pwede na yatang magnegosyo ng dingding para lahat ng may iniindang pakshet ay doon mag-uuntog ng ulo. ba’t di na lang kasi magkaisa at itulak sa pakshet bangin ang mga pakshet sa world? so, therefore, there was… pakshet nga yung kwento.

umpisa sa pakshet, matatapos sa pakshet. maybe not. short lang ang buhay, kelangang gawing makulay. i-conquer ang pakshet. celebrate! celebrate!

p.s.
(1) ayan sam, pinagbigyan kita. malakas ka pala sa akin? nyahahaha. gudlak na lang sa yo pag yung pakshet mo napadpad dito at ma-gets niyang napasulat mo ako ng pakshet dahil sa kanya, wahahaha.

(2) sa mga na-pakshet dahil sa akin: oist, malay ko ba. wag nyo ko pagbintangan. peace tayo, okies?