caterpillar talk

remember this?

after quite a long time, i dreamt of him again.

just like the last time, i didn’t see his face, i doubt if i ever will… but i knew it was him. he was standing a good distance away from me, and, weird it may be that i could tell, he was looking at me.

i couldn’t see his face but i could feel his eyes on me, and i just felt the need for me to look away.

i did look away, but only for awhile. when i looked again, he was still there, standing a good distance away from me, but he’s no longer looking at me… he had turned such that he had his back facing me.

…and then, he started walking away, slowly and without a sound.

i was tempted to call out his name when he started to go, but i held back knowing that even if i did, he wouldn’t turn around for me. so i just looked as he trodded away to where i don’t know. i looked until i got so familiar with his back, until the distance ate him up, until he faded and became one with the horizon.

i had this dream and, in less than a year, it became real. tsk. maybe i’m clairvoyant or something.

i never thought it would really happen but it did, anyway. a painful deja vu, it was. without a word, he was good as gone. things got complicated, our friendship got ruined, and i never got to find out why he had to go in the first place. eventhough i was left free, i was also left confused. perhaps, that’s what hurt me most.

i remember a lot — from the first text message he sent me more than five years ago to the last one he sent in september, from “Patay…” to “Hmm”, from the first “Hi…” to the last “Good night” in Y!M, from the line “sa wakas…” to “see you” when we last met in may, and all the lines in between. they haunt me. i should forget, but i suck at forgetting.

if only things could go back to how they used to be, then i would do things differently. it is clear to me now that our regrets tend to stem from the things we should have done but did not do.

he is scared of me — this i knew even before he told me so. honestly, it stings like a hard slap on the face. for not denying who i am, i was put on a pedestal i didn’t want to be on and, for that, one of the prices i have to pay unwillingly is to live with the threat that he’ll see me as someone who’ll always be beyond him. it hurts a lot to know that by choosing to be myself, i ended up alienating the very person whom i believed to be my soulmate… but i cannot deny who i am and i cannot choose to be not myself — i can only be nicer.

how can i convince him now that the pedestal is just an illusion, that we are actually on the same plane, that we belong to the same ground? how can i, when he is there — there where i cannot see him, where i cannot touch him, where i can barely feel him (if, indeed, i still do feel him at all)? the horizon he faded into is out of my reach and i don’t know if there is still anything that i can do to change the way things are… but i still think of him. fondly… because i loved him. i love him still. i think i will forever do. geez, i’m so pathetic. (i just gave my friends a reason to disown me. ha ha)

maybe someday he’ll emerge from the horizon. maybe someday he’ll come around again to give me a friendly shove and say, “ikaw gyud, madrama ra kaayo ka.” then, i’ll have to playfully shove him back and we’ll both be laughing like silly high school kids.

maybe there won’t be that someday at all.

tsk. i should have dreamt of winning the lottery instead. if only i had known… i would have been filthy rich by now. he he.

first there was one. now, there are three. meet the voices…

the little voice: ‘a dream that you don’t fight for will haunt you forever.’
the big voice: hahaha. nice try! you got it wrong though. listen. ‘a dream that you don’t fight for will haunt you for the rest of your life.’
the medium voice: duh. it’s ‘a dream that you don’t fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life.’ you know she doesn’t like it when you get things wrong.
me: sssssssshhhhhh. stop it!

the big voice: you should go for that dream you know. you’re cut for it.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the little voice: no, no, no. you should go for that other dream. that’s where we’ll be happy. you know that.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the medium voice: methinks you should go for both. yes you can, yes we can. what’s stopping you? have both.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.

pretty soon, i’ll be forced to make a choice. if nothing helpful happens between now and whenever pretty soon will be, i know that when pretty soon finally comes to make me decide, i will be torn like i’ve never been torn before… oh, how could the feeling of doom loom over someone who is supposed to be optimistic?

i’m nearing another crossroad and i can’t blame people for wanting to know what road i’ll be taking in going beyond there. i, myself, would want to know what i’m gonna do next but in as much as i want to be able to provide an answer, i can’t — i do not know yet what my next step will be and that pains me because i am not used to not knowing. i hope people would stop asking because it sends me to that mixed state of depression and confusion. i do not like being uncertain. it makes me sad. it makes me wanna cry. it makes me feel weak.

out there, in the distance, are my dreams. vague pictures. although i have the power to make them crystal clear now, i refuse to. i find myself afraid of what i might see. i still need to muster enough courage to pry into what they really hold for me. up ahead, they are there waiting for me. for now, that’s enough.

two defocused big dreams.

from where i am, that’s what i see. i wish to pursue them both but, as of now, they seem to be incompatible… i do not see them going together. one seems to be oil. the other seems to be water. immiscible. so, the way i see it, one has to give way for the other. whichever i choose will determine the course of my life for, at least, the next two or three years. whichever i choose, will affect the rest of my life. whichever i choose, i stand to lose. ouch! God knows i need a reason to make me able to see them as compatible. then, i could have them both and i shall not be torn.

there’s got to be a way! i don’t wanna pursue one dream, give up the other and, in the end, be haunted by the dream i did not choose. if only i can have my cake and eat it, too…

i’ve been praying for something to happen to make me make up my mind and i’m waiting. He’s taking His time and i’m not gonna tell Him to hurry because i trust His sense of timing.

He knows i want one more than i want the other. i want it so much, it makes me more afraid to go after it whole-heartedly. i want to have it but i’m having second thoughts of giving my all to it because even if i do so, i might still fail. no doubt that if i succeed, i’d be the happiest being i’ll know there is in the world. however, if i fail, what then will be left of me? arrgggh. the dilemma…

you can’t blame me.

i’ve been doing stabs at it, and it seems that no matter what i do, i can’t really have it. sure, sometimes i get a hold of it but it slips away within moments. it has a lot of promise but it seems too fleeting… it seems to be forever ahead of me and won’t settle on my palm.

it’s too early to give up, i know, but i’m already tired of trying. that is why i’m back to waiting…

and, yes, hoping that when pretty soon comes, i won’t have to choose after all. it could be that, from afar, the desires of my mind, heart and soul are different but, at close range, they are one and the same. maybe it’s just a matter of perspective.

sana lang…

the little voice: ha! i knew it! she wants my dream!
the big voice: silly, she meant the other one. she meant my dream!
the medium voice: come on, she already said she wants both. let her take her time. she’ll find a way at hitting them both with a single stone, so to speak. she always does, you know that.
me: whatever.

“You know that place between sleep and awake,
the place where you can still remember dreaming?…”
– Tinkerbell in the movie, Hook

after quite a long time, i dreamt of him again.

just like the last time, i didn’t see his face, i doubt if i ever will… but i knew it was him. he was standing a good distance away from me, and, weird it may be that i could tell, he was looking at me.

i couldn’t see his face but i could feel his eyes on me, and i just felt the need for me to look away.

i did look away, but only for awhile. when i looked again, he was still there, standing a good distance away from me, but he’s no longer looking at me… he had turned such that he had his back facing me.

…and then, he started walking away, slowly and without a sound.

i was tempted to call out his name when he started to go, but i held back knowing that even if i did, he wouldn’t turn around for me. so i just looked as he trodded away to where i don’t know. i looked until i got so familiar with his back, until the distance ate him up, until he faded and became one with the horizon.

part 1

i spent some time walking around the campus this morning.

no, it was not a walk for pleasure. i had things to do and i opted to walk from one place to the next in the process of getting them done.

so there i was, walking alone, thinking of the things that needed to be done while crossing paths with people who, to me, are nobody but strangers.

four of them really amused me though. why?

…because they were talking to their solitary selves while walking!

seeing them reminded me of one important thing:

talking (and smiling or laughing even) to myself, is normal. i just have to watch out though because i might overdo things and end up making people think that i’ve gone wacko. hahaha!

it is still important to not get too carried away by the conversations going on in my head.

part 2

today, i received a friendster message from a friend whom i haven’t been in touch with for quite a long time…

just this week, i chanced upon his friendster account and saw the primary photo he chose: that of a newborn. i knew right away that the baby was his, and got totally excited. oh my…

back in 1989, he was the fifth grader who was so great at painting and i was the first grader who was in awe of his artistic talent. well, not just of his artistic talent, but of the artistic talents of the other elder-than-me art students of my art mentor as well. around that time, i was just starting and they were already having their shining moments… they were the poster-making champs and art competition winners and i was the newcomer-slash-observer who had yet to make a mark. they soon went to high school or college, and after that, i rarely saw anyone of them. as a result, i ended up being too shy to come up to them and say “hi” whenever i get to see them.

he became one of those people i was too reluctant to approach because everytime i wanted to, i ended up getting cold feet. the excuse i gave myself was: “oh, you remember them, but they just might no longer recognize you anymore. so why bother?”

fastforward to 2003, he approached me. it was late at night and i was from naomi’s graduation bash. while i was standing alone and waiting for a ride to take me home, somebody casually said,

having been slightly intoxicated and since the area was quite dim despite the street lights, i got startled; i even got more startled when i recognized that it was him. of all days, of all nights to be talking again to an old friend? bakit kung kelan medyo may tama ako? so, i merely replied,

him: kaila pa ba ka nako? (do you still know me?)
me: oo noh. (yup, sure.) ikaw si kuya… (you are kuya…)

and i mentioned his name to convince him that i, indeed, still know him.

him: aw. congrats diay ha. grabe, graduate na jud ka. gamay pa man kaayo ka sa una (oh. congratulations, by the way. wow, you’ve already graduated. you were so small then.) how time flies.
me: oh, thanks. ikaw gani…og gamay lang man japun ko hangtod karon, hahaha (you, too, were small… and i’m still small). how time flies jud (indeed). ay, sorry, here comes the jeep, i have to go. see you around.
him: welcome. ayo-ayo (take care).

fastforward to 2004, we got friendster connected…

…and today, through friendster, he told me about his dream of putting up an art school for children someday and asked if i am still inclined to visual arts.

i still am, and his own dream reminded me of one vague goal i have in mind ever since i was in college: to put up a non-profit community recreation area with the help of my friends.

how time flies, indeed… and i still keep on dreaming.

but then… i am not alone.

because dreaming is free…
because dreaming is for you and me…

as a child, i often looked up to watch the night sky.
the stars a-twinkling up there have always attracted me
and have always kept me thinking of possibilities and of impossibilities.
they fed my imagination and fueled my curiosity…
and i made so many of my wishes upon them,
and hung a thousand and one of my dreams up with them…

i admit without shame that until now i still wish upon them.
no, i don’t wait for the “falling stars”…
when i look up at the night sky,
i discreetly choose the first star that catches my eye
and wish upon it the first wish that i could think of at that moment,
absurd or not my wish may be…

not all of my wishes can come true, i know.
but i’ve never thought of stopping myself from wishing…
because they keep me going, they keep me hoping…

i’ll not lose anything if my wishes don’t come true,
but i have something to gain if they do come true…
and that’s the comforting thought with wishing.

sometimes, you get to remember that the songs you heard as a child can do wonders for your (and probably, other’s) days. sometimes, too, being a child at heart ain’t so bad for the soul.

note: words in italics are lyrics of the song when you wish upon a star from walt disney’s pinocchio.

i’d like to have a pair of this…