caterpillar talk

“All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of the empires
depends on the youth.”
– Aristotle

october 2007. cam-whoring with friends

when i left iligan for the nth time, i brought with me one of my old notebooks. i browsed through the pages and saw the smorgasbord of items i’ve written down so far. these items are basically quotes or thoughts i’ve jotted down while paying attention to other people…

to be a hero, you don’t have to die or be assassinated. you just have to give your best.

it does not matter how small or big the thing you do is; what matters is that you do it even if it goes unnoticed.

wherever you are, whatever you do, you are a missionary.

“ang buhay na hindi inalay sa dakilang layunin ay tulad ng isang puno na walang lilim.” — emilio jacinto

let that beautiful span speak to you. sit there quietly and let God speak to you.

can you speak in a language that the man on the street can understand?

you are born to live. if you don’t live, shame on you!

leadership by example… how we live , the life choices that we make make us who we are.

it is not what i say, it is what i do (that counts). it is the life choices that i make that make me credible.

on a mentor… todo-bigay manalita. he makes things sink in. tumatayo ang balahibo ko everytime i hear him speak — too few people can get to me like that. he really inspires and moves people. he knows the language of the man on the street.

personal reflection guide: how did my parents educate me?

the person who does not know how to reflect is living an unmeaningful life.

dare to dream. dare to pay the price of your dream or abandon your dream.

the most eloquent speech you can make — your life!

“sa laking kaguluhan sa paghahanap-buhay, nawala ang dahilan kung bakit nabubuhay.”

“there is no word more tragic than the word ‘empty’ when it’s time to go.”

i can make my life very beautiful.

learn to hug your kids.

minsan, makulit ang tadhana. ang isang bagay, ‘pag para sa ‘yo talaga, kahit anong iwas mo, kukulitin ka ng tadhana para tanggapin mo lang ang kung ano ang para sa ‘yo talaga.

i fear but i have faith and my faith is greater than my fear.

END of thoughts from an old notebook

quick sharing: i get to realize more and more that God really knows how to bless those who put their trust in Him. it took awhile and a lot of uncertainty and confusion before my prayers got answered but with the way things are happening in my life right now, i can say that every one of them’s worth the wait. i asked for patience, He gave me so much more.

i once asked a trusted friend to help me pray and, instead of promising anything, my friend gave me this simple yet very meaningful advice: “just trust in the goodness of God’s heart whatever happens.”

after going here and there, i’m currently living an adventure in sta. rosa, laguna. i haven’t finished processing all the necessary papers yet, but here i am — bubbling and excited that i’m part of a new company’s start-up team. i’m using a brand-new macbook which i get to take home with me everyday. (opening the oh-so-sealed apple box felt like opening a very-much-wanted early christmas present). i’m working for (and with – they’re down to earth) great bosses. i’m back to being a useful slave and i have found new friends and allies in my co-workers.

i don’t know yet if this is really the path that will lead me to my dreams BUT here’s really, really hoping and looking forward to a downpour of (more) blessings.

wobbly steps first, surefootedness will come after. stay safe, wish, believe, and do well! wish to hear from you.

the bus came to a stop. through the bus window, i saw this big old tree which really fascinated me. it looked like acacia but it also looked like mahogany. i’m not sure which of the two it really was, but it was standing tall, imposing, and attractive. i felt it would be good to climb it. i thought, “the tree’s mine if i could reach the first big branch. i could claim it as my own.”

i set out to climb the big old tree. this, despite the fact that my tree-climbing experiences had only been limited to climbing guava, cacao, and talisay trees that don’t really grow so tall.

as i started my way up, he — who must have watched me as i got off the bus and followed — also started to climb up the tree. to each other, we’re friends yet we’ve remained strangers and we climbed in silence. he reached the branch — my chosen branch — ahead of me and offered his hand to help me up. the next thing i knew, i was already sitting on my branch and enjoying the sights before me to my heart’s delight.

he was there beside me… but to me, it was just me, the spectacular scene that being up on the tree gave me, my branch, and my tree. his presence wasn’t getting in the way (even though i felt bad that he beat me to my branch. grrrr). when i sighed — tired from the climb — he gave my back a very brief rub. at that moment, even though we’re strangers, we’re friends. up there on my tree, we shared in silence an atmosphere of comforting strangeness and awkward familiarity.

then the time came for me to go down. he must have sensed it. he made his way down the tree ahead of me. i didn’t follow.

although i so wanted to find my way back to the ground, my acrophobia kicked in the moment i looked down and became fully aware of how far i’ve gone up just to reach my branch.

he was back on the ground, perhaps watching, waiting for my next move, although of this i couldn’t be too sure. i was more concerned about my safety. there was no way i could find my way down on my own.

i allowed my voice to break the silence. i called out for help and one of my able-bodied uncles came running. (now don’t ask me where my uncle came from — this was a dream and we all know everything is possible in a dream.) by some twisted stroke of genius, i figured it was easier to jump off from the tree and i only needed someone to catch me. so i jumped off from my spot on the tree and was caught safely by someone who was family. after seeing to it that i was alright, my uncle left, went on his way.

soon, it was just me, him, and my tree again. friends yet strangers standing in silence under the canopy of my tree and surrounded by comforting strangeness and awkward familiarity. i felt happy.

i walked away from the tree and back to the bus. he followed and walked beside me.

as we walked back to the bus together, i thought of what the peculiar smile on his face was trying to say through the silence. i don’t know if it was “i was willing to catch you, you could have asked me… but hey, i’m glad you’re safe” or “i’m glad you asked somebody else.” i realized i don’t really know him well. to me, he’s a stranger but i also know we’re friends.

something in the air told me he claimed ownership of the tree before i did. i wasn’t able to pursue this thought though…

…because just as we reached the bus, i woke up.

—

just a few questions from here on…

what does it mean when one dreams of a big old tree? of climbing up a big old tree? of claiming it?

and the bus, does it have significance?

is this a dream worthy of an interpretation? or is this just one of those… uhmmm… inconsequential dreams which my subconscious playfully created for me?

oh well. “goodnight, dear void.”

truth be told, i don’t have the ability to climb up a big old tree without the aid of ropes and ladders. even with ropes and ladders, i know i’d still find it difficult and daunting.

“A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving.”
– Albert Einstein

let me begin this post with recent manifestations of my halfwit-ty tendencies:

“i deserve to dream because i sleep a lot.”

“i like you because i like me.”

…at, dear people, ito ang pinakamatindi…

“yung bata ngang kinain ng buwaya di natin pinatay, yung buwaya pa kaya?”

i was not drunk when i said that, bangag lang talaga.

weeeeeee!!! i’m turning 24 soon.

at 23, i feel quite accomplished yet i still desire to do more. there’s still a lot to conquer out there and, well, things have just begun for me, so to speak.

yesterday, i finally saw the hard-bound form of my master’s thesis and i felt proud of myself. i also went out last night for another let’s paint session and, yes, i also felt proud of myself because of that.

i chose a bigger block of plaster to paint on this time. pictures? sure i’ll be sharing them with you all soon, let me just find the time to transfer the photo files from my phone to the computer. for now, i’ll just share that the block had a fruity design. the table of fruits reminded me of my first few successful painting sessions with my art mentor back in 1989 — a long, long time ago. i managed to transform the all-white block into something very colorful and yummy to the eyes!

11.27.06 update: transformation of my new block

haaay, i used to draw and paint a lot when i was still a wee youngling (as if i really went through that phase of being oh-soooooo wee, hehe). my mother saw my fascination for the colors and clear interest in doing art during my early years, so she enrolled me in a summer art workshop. the school year after that and during the years that followed, i continued pursuing my art by spending a lot of my after-school time with an art mentor. i was made to join art contests and it couldn’t be helped that i emerged champion in some (haha, ang angas ba?). i could say that the highlight of my grade school years was my romance with art. i liked going up the school stage during recognition ceremonies because of the artist of the year award. belonging to the top 5 of the class was just another reward.

art unfortunately took the backseat during my high school years. don’t ask me why, it just happened. my ventures into visual arts around that time only surfaced in the form of projects and as hastily-drawn backgrounds for our plays. i ceased showing up at my mentor’s place; i also ceased being inspired enough to join art competitions. looking back, it was a pity that i pursued other (probably lesser?) interests. i don’t know, maybe it’s just how things were meant to be.

when i got out from college, i told myself i’d get back to my art. my attempts in that direction have not really been full-hearted, however. sure, i’ve gone back to having art outputs but they only come at intervals of several months… and most often, i’m not quite satisfied with them. but then maybe i’m just expecting from myself too much.

it’s been awhile since i last painted and actually enjoyed my painting output. so now here’s hoping you would understand just how happy i felt when i saw how my latest painting session turned out. heaven. i really felt proud.

you know what’s the idea playing in my mind? i’d love to mentor kids to paint during our common spare time… for free! i imagine it would be fun and really rewarding!

back to my turning 24. soon.

i’m sure one of the things that would come to my close friends’ minds when they come across this article would be somewhere along these lines:

“you’re turning 24! didn’t you say you’re getting married at 24??!
so what now???”

haaaay. that’s one dream of mine that i knew will go pffft but dreamt of, nevertheless. dreaming is free, right? dreaming is free alright but reality has a price. i can’t even completely take care of myself. can any other excuse top that? haha, do i hear you mumbling “excuses! excuses!”?

speaking of dreams, there’s another dream that will not be made real.

didn’t jory, sealdi, and i plan on reaching batanes before we turn 24? here’s the update: jory and sealdi already turned 24, jory is in new york now, and i’m soon turning 24 but WE haven’t gone to batanes!!! i was hoping i could have that “batanes before my 24th birthday” dream — batanes being my dream destination and all — but… i just know that current circumstances won’t permit me. a trip to batanes would cost me more than what i can currently afford. plus, my time’s being eaten up by things that i still have to deal with. there will surely be another time. as my travel buddy would say, ‘timing is everything’. aight, timing is important — that’s my take on timing, by the way.

i feel i’m starting to be a little more responsible now. with that, i also get to realize that i have so many fears, after all. but i don’t wanna discuss my fears with y’all now. not a lot of people are privy to them and most, i plan to keep only to myself… for now.

oh, i’ve been checking out cars lately. i’ve been thinking of owning them EVENTHOUGH I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY ANY OF THEM AND I DON’T DRIVE. it’s just that they’re my new idea of toys. gowsh, what’s happening to me? oh well. oh well. oh well!

"The reluctance to put away childish things
may be a requirement of genius."
–Rebecca Pepper Sinkler

a friend of mine whom i haven't seen for more than three years came to diliman last monday. after two hours or so of "hi", "hello", "you still look the same!", "oh my god, how come we haven't changed?!" and all the blah-blahs i only share with worthy old-time pals, we hit the mall. there, i made a long-time dream of mine come true…

look what i bought!!!

yes, folks! i bought a ferrari!

oh yes! i've long wanted to buy an impressive-looking remote control car. i had it in my mind for so long, i couldn't even remember when i started dreaming about it. dzan dza raaaaaaan… i found what i wanted, fell in love with it at first sight, and bought it!!!

now, it can be said. i bought a 1:10 ferrari F1 formula remote control racer! i purchased all 18 inches or so of it, its redness in all its glossy glory, its highly detailed features, its shock units, its blinking wheels and racing tires, its ~15mph speed, its 10V battery pack and charger, its plastic driver (haha!), and the warranty.

i know you want to see it but i'm sorry, you and i can't play with it anymore. the racer is with kenj now. kenj is my friend's son and my first ever godson. he's only three years old but he's quite a precocious kid, and i'm his quite doting ninang (who did not give him christmas & birthday gifts for the last three years, hahaha) — he deserves to have one of my dream toys.

whoa! i finally got around to buying a racer! i can't believe it! oh, maybe i'll finally get around to buying myself a fighter jet remote control model. i'm not so sure. i'm still thinking about it — money does not just pop out from nowhere after all. maybe, it'll take me sixty six thousand years to think about it and i'll still end up not buying (there are so many hungry people out there, you know)… but really, i want to have a flying gadget. it's not a secret among my p6peeps friends that i have this long-time dream of owning a flying toy plane, which i once thought of blowing up while it's in mid-air (terroristic tendencies!). one of them said i won't be able to make that dream come true — he even wrote it down as part of the testimonial that he gave me in friendster, hehe. i guess, he was referring to the "blowin' up the plane" part of my dream. oh well, whatever. the fact remains that, right now, i feel pleased with myself: kenj was as excited and delighted as i when he saw what i got for him.

weeeeeeeeee… happy feelings! happy thoughts! happy!

p.s. i believe in proper attribution: i got the picture that comes along with this post here. i tweaked the photo just little bit to save space.

after “jap-nese,” it’s time for “chi-nese”:

That’s not right. — Sum ting wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? — Hu yu hai ding
See me ASAP. — Kum hia
Stupid Man — Dum fuk
Small Horse — Tai ni po ni
Did you go to the beach? — Wai yu so tan
I bumped the coffee table. — Ai bang mai fa kin ni
I think you need a face lift. — Chin tu fat.
It’s very dark in here. — Wai so dim
I thought you were on a diet. — Wai yu mun ching
This is a tow away zone. — No pah king
Our meeting is scheduled for next week. — Wai yu kum nao
Staying out of sight — Lei ying lo
He’s cleaning his automobile. — Wa shing ka
Your body odor is offensive. — Yu stin ki pu
Great! — Fa kin su pah

i ripped this from this blog. (thanks a lot kuya kim for allowing me this repost although we both know that i didn’t ask for your permission, wahahaha.)

happy chinese new year, everyone!

dasher vs. accelerator

what’s your pick: the premiere-dasher or the accelerator?

actually there’s no need to choose anymore. my own mother had already put a “death sentence” to my skechers premiere-dasher last december. she made me stop wearing the pair because, according to her, the shoes look so dugyot and worn out already. oh well, i took that dasher picture just last december and my shoe in the pic surely does not have the “worn out” look. maybe i’m just so good at picking the right angle, we all can’t see those parts where the shoe fabric’s scratched and damaged. still, it makes me wonder how come my mama didn’t complain about those “badly beaten” (and, therefore, “worse-looking”) shoes i so loved to wear when i was in college? hmmmm… as the saying goes, mothers know best. we may not always understand them, but we just have to listen. so, having faith in my mother’s good intentions, i said “R.I.P.” to my two-year old dasher pair and went back to manila wearing a trusty pair of brown-colored islander slippers. yes, you can say i extended my sala (living room) from there (iligan) to here (metro manila).

the accelerator wins!

with my dashers being “out of commission” already, i’m currently “abusing” my just-over-a-year-old merrell accelerator pair. i bought ‘em accelerators last december 2004 as a birthday-slash-christmas gift for myself. oh, i love ‘em! they’re still far from being dugyot. ha ha ha!

they’re going to bloom…

gardeners have already started tilling the soil to make those stretches of sunflower beds along UP avenue. soon, sunflower plants will be sprouting and there will be people who will mistake them for okra plants (bwahahaha!). then, come april, just in time for the university graduation exercises, people will no longer doubt what they truly are because the sunflowers will bloom.

i truly hope that they will bloom for me, too.

flashback

before i left for manila early this year, i was finally able to tell my parents about “my plans after getting my master’s”. i used to dodge their questions, i used to change the topic whenever they asked. BUT, that day, when they saw me off at the airport, i finally let them know the things i had in mind, “still vague” they may be. i answered their questions, we talked about my options, and, in my own way, i admitted to them my fears. it was cathartic for me.

see, my parents regard me as secretive. they’re familiar with my tendency to hold back talking about certain things. they know that i have the tendency to wait for the last crazy minute before i share anything too personal. they know that i don’t tell them a lot of things. they know that despite my being such an incessant talker, i still keep a lot to myself. all the time i was telling them “i don’t know” they’ve been patient with me. they waited ’til i was ready to talk. AND that day came…

now, i go about really assured that whatever happens to me and my so-called plans, my family will be with me through and through.

thesis my quest, to follow that star…

whew! i need all the support i can get. just forgive me when i rant. i just need to release my anxiety. i don’t wanna be burnt out. i’ve been munching, trying to eat away my apprehensions. the deadline for our manuscript is on the 21st of february. i’m setting the 14th of february as my personal deadline. geez. i still have so many things to do. please don’t forget to check on me from time to time, i need to be reminded to breathe. i need to be distracted. wait, when is the UP fair??? i don’t wanna miss it. dapat inyo jud ko ma-B.I.

p.s. ano na ang nangyayari sa only you? musta na si tj? in-love na yata ako sa kanya, waaaaaaaaaaa… dapat sila ni jillian ang magkatuluyan kasi mahal naman nila ang isa’t isa — ang dami lang talaga nilang pa-epek at drama. lasunin na si trixie para wala ng manggugulo, wehehe.