caterpillar talk

"Love your calling with passion. It is the meaning of your life."
– Auguste Rodin

here i am thinking as if i really have so much time in my hands. i know i don't. i have many things to do. no, let me say that a little differently: i find that there are many things that i want to do.

take for instance, tonight. just awhile ago i was switching from one desktop window to another, checking out reference materials, further building up my thesis, and appreciating my own mental soup. before that, i was doing genuine attempts at perfecting the yoga positions i learned just today from a good friend. now, with my "thesis-related" windows still up in the background, i'm listening to music, blogging, thinking of eating isaw or balut, and trying to pin-point what i really want — for tonight, for tomorrow, for next month, for next season, and for the rest of my life. bah.

let's see my dilemma for tonight: in front of me is a pile of books worthy of my time. in front of me, too, is a stack of movies i've already seen but still consider to be worth watching again and definitely worthy of their swept acclaim — the silence of the lambs, crash, million dollar baby, amistad, gone with the wind, city of god, boys don't cry, casablanca, i am sam, schindler's list and a lot more. (ha ha, i'm my own video rental shop). directly in front of me is my beloved multitasking-adept computer. to my left is a plastic bag of oranges waiting to be peeled and eaten (i mean the oranges, not the plastic bag). to my right are printed thesis reference materials lying on the pillow-side of my bed waiting to be picked up again so that they can indulge me in another round of induced confusion and, hopefully, more understanding. hmmmm… let's get this straight. i want to read a book, i want to watch a movie, i want to play either klotski or jigsaw puzzle, i want to eat the oranges, and i want to be confused and enlightened by my papers all at the same time! ah, this is so typical of me, i shoulda be used to being like this by now. needless to say, i'm still not. pooh.

i have so little time and there are so many things that i want to do. what to do? what to do?! maybe i should go out for an hour and just try to count all the stars i could see in the night sky. then, i'll wish for whatever i want with every count — wish for what i want for tomorrow, for next month, for next season, and for the rest of my life — whatever comes to mind.

BUT… but… what do i really want? i've been trying to create a mental map of what i really want to be lately. i've been asking myself the questions i refused to face a year or two ago. hay. i'm in that stage of contemplating what to really do with my existence. hay jud. could this be the premature onset of old age due to looming death? syet. wag naman! tatawad na lang ako… uhm, how about quarter-life crisis? it sounds good to me now. hehe. see, it cannot be simply one high after the other without a good sense of direction for me anymore. i need to be able to pin-point that ultimate thing that i'm meant to do with the life i've been unselfishly gifted with. i have to go for that one thing i need to know, that one thing i need to find, that one thing that will really drive me home.

"What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."
– the late Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

i know i should keep listening, i should keep feeling, i should keep waiting, i should keep praying, and i should keep believing that maybe what i've been told is true: the answer will just come to me when the universe knows i'm ready. when my right time comes, i'll fall freely into what i'm destined to be and i'll truly, madly, deeply be happy. then, when i die, i'll die fulfilled knowing that i did not live in vain.

“Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,’The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.’
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings…”
– Pablo Neruda

tonight is your last night for tomorrow i’ll let go. it’s weird that i don’t seem to miss you anymore eventhough part of me still wants to. it’s easier to let go now. i’m no longer afraid to lose what i never had. i don’t have to cry, there will be no tears for me to shed. the world has shown me a million smiles — maybe they’re all yours, maybe they’re all reflections of mine. who cares if they’re yours? i don’t… well, at least, not in that way that i used to. i guess it’s the right time. i feel some sense of peace. every memory i was able to keep from what i can now call ’so long ago’ shall stay with me. i don’t have to throw them away nor leave them behind so i can forget. i know now that they won’t hurt me like i once naively thought they would. you, you can’t be with me. that’s not anymore the saddest thing i’ve ever known. you made your choice. i am ready to forge mine. without bitterness. without pain. without sadness. with a hope. i hope this is right, i hope i’m not lying.

p.s. you’re still my friend.

SWEPT AWAY
Words by Christopher Cross/John Bettis
Music by Christopher Cross/Steve Dorff

I never had anything happen so fast
Took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show ’cause your smile told me you knew
That you’re everythin’ I ever wanted at once
There’s no holding this heart when it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

CHORUS
I was swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

And so it begins, this journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a look, the language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you

CHORUS
I am swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I am swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away… away

Seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

BRIDGE
Ooh, I hope I wake up soon
Ooh, I’m a victim of that crazy moon

The very first time you said my name
I knew it would never sound the same
Somethin’ about me was changed forever

CHORUS
I am swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I am swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away… away
Seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
Gotta find the way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

We were swept away
Dreaming of you
Swept away

do you get the feeling?

you read the title right and it’s there for its literal meaning. if you are faint-hearted, skip reading this post. something ewwwww lies ahead…

late last night, i opened an e-mail from one of my high school classmates. it said ‘Ayala Ave. accident pictures’ on the subject line. i knew right away what accident was being referred to.

my own brother told me about it last thursday (march 16) morning as we both made our way to ayala avenue from prince plaza ii in makati’s de la rosa street. he reminded me to be always careful when i cross the street because, just last monday (march 13), he saw a man who got sprawled on that road in front of 6750 along ayala avenue. he added that the man was badly hit by a bus and that many of the onlookers were busy taking pictures of the scene.

i asked if the man died and he said most likely because there was so much blood and ‘dili na maitsura ang nawong sa tawo‘ (the person’s face was so disfigured). oh well. what he told me was an understatement! he should have said that the guy’s head got flattened and that most of the brain got squirted out of the skull! the brain was badly scattered on the road! when i saw the pictures i almost puked! if you haven’t heard about this very unfortunate accident nor seen the photos i’m referring to, click here.

then, too, i felt a little spooked when i saw the pedestrian lane in the photos. the night before the bloody accident happened, my p6peeps friends and i crossed ayala avenue using that very lane!!! i remember that, despite the relative safety offered by the lane, it took us a long time before we finally got to the 6750 side from the peninsula manila side because the vehicular traffic in the area was just relatively fast. who would have thought that the next morning, some guy would actually get his skull broken (and most of his brain scattered) on a spot so close to that lane?

they said he got off from a moving jeepney, lost his balance, rolled on the road and got hit by a speeding bus. shyet. what a chain of events!

ewwww, too! road accidents like that are the very reasons why until now i am so afraid of finding myself in a busy street. in fact, i’m afraid of crossing even in areas with 10kph limits. i just don’t wanna take chances lest i die with my brain (or parts of it) spilling out of my head. oh, not my brain… the mere thought makes me sick.

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.”
– Oscar Wilde

don’t tempt me. don’t tempt me. don’t tempt me.

those are the words i would often say everytime somebody tempts me to break away from the things i normally do to try a thing which i think i should not be after (or do or anymore do). there are things — which may or may not be lumped with the likes of yellow cab, movies, and mind games — that i find very tempting. i say ‘don’t tempt me’ and throw in a series of ‘no, no, no’ repeatedly with so much heart to make myself be heard more by myself than by the receiver. it’s a futile exercise because the inevitable happens: my self-control weakens, i fail to resist, i yield in. pfft! so much for resisting.

my latest temptation is gamehouse’s super jigsaw medley. there was text twist. there was super bounce out. there was bookworm. now, there’s super jigsaw medley for me! actually, there is still text twist (and super bounce out and bookworm, too) in my computer, but super jigsaw medley is now my new favorite.

how can it not be? i’ve always been a fan of puzzles. i even bought a box with a thousand puzzle pieces four years ago to feed my ‘puzzle-fondness’. my youngest sister and i have long since put the pieces of the puzzle together (999 of them only because we lost one piece, how sad), proof of which is the big picture (with a tiny missing piece) mounted in the family area of our house.

super jigsaw medley does not allow me to hold puzzle pieces with my own hands. nevetheless, it allows me to manipulate the pieces using the mouse so i can put things together. it’s a gamepack with a very user-friendly interface and there are many beautiful puzzles to put together in its gallery. it boasts of versatility and gives players the option to set their own desired level of difficulty. it’s a nice way to while away the time!

the thing is: i’m only using the trial version, care to share the crack? hehehe.