caterpillar talk

I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things…. I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.
– Leo Buscaglia

this post is inspired by weng, my former roommate. this is one of the off-shoots of our e-mail exchanges which revolve on the theme, five things. we’re trying to answer five questions or share five things per e-mail so we can be updated on how we are doing and continue getting to know each other despite the physical distance.

let me share…

#1 What is it that you like seeing?

>> natural green: grass, trees

>> friends (not the tv show, but MY friends!)

the caterpillar, the geeemail and the volcano
mga na-trauma sa duranta…
mga isinuka ng begonia?

#2 What smell do you love most?

>> newly-cut grass (i love the smell of coffee, too…i just don’t drink coffee, hahaha!)

#3 What is it that you love to taste?

>> green mangoes. (i like ‘em small and sour. nam. nam. nam.)

#4 What is it that you like to hear?

>> sea waves, real birds a-chirping, my phone’s message alert tone (hahaha!) and senti songs that either make hearts want to fly or die

>> people saying i have an unread message on my phone even if there’s none. (apparently, many would always confuse my screensaver with the message alert indicator. how nice!)

#5 What is it that you like to touch?

>> hair (sa ulo ha! it doesn’t matter if the hair’s not mine, basta hair sa ulo. hehehe.)

>> my voodoo toys? (bwahahaha! hey, i’m only joking.)

meet voodoo boy and voodoo girl.
they are harmless. promise.

that is my favorite text message of all time. the one message i wouldn’t delete from my phone’s inbox. the oldest. the one i wouldn’t mind to receive over and over again.

no, this post is not about my favorite text message of all time. this is all about the one who sent me the message…

i could exhaust all words and write endlessly… and, still, i wouldn’t come close to describing how worthwhile life is because…

at one point in time, we walked in on each other’s lives and never walked out ever since.

commercial cards inside plastic wraps, long letters, tiny notes, mga abubot at anik-anik, packed lunches, movies, song hits, nintendo games, senti notebooks, cagayan de oro trips, piles of books, bloopers, old magazines, “yester-years” pictures, kitchen adventures, laughs, personalized cassette tapes, crafty gifts, pillow talks, phone conversations, text messages, sikad rides, watching horizons while sitting on the seaside with the sun shining and the wind blowing on our faces, experiencing, dreaming, sharing, walking to wherever our feet can take us, esteem boosts, silence.

they’re just some of the things i treasure. they’re just some of the things i associate with us.

us. my best friend and i.

we were connected even before we were born, our mothers being close friends in college and all. however, we never knew of each other’s existence until 1995 — when i was 12 and when she was 13 — when we became high school classmates. we got along well, enjoyed our conversations, and became close friends over lunch and green mangoes. soon after, we realized we’ve become best friends.

april 2004
one of those very few photos we have

she’s the epitome of a beautiful person: a beauty with brains and good personality and talents to boot! she’s every gentleman’s dream girl. a meek head-turner. a calm presence of simplicity amidst all the complexities. a silent sage. everybody’s friend. a kind-hearted being. an unspoiled only child. a cool and fun person beneath all the goody-goody shell. my best friend in all the world, in all the universe.

born nine months ahead of me, she’s like the elder sister i never had but i don’t call her ate. she keeps me on my toes and reprimands me for being so palaaway. nevertheless, she accepts my kamalditahan and puts up with all my rants. she listens to my endless chatter and enjoys (or endures? hehehe) my crazy antics. she writes me the nicest letters and comes up with good poems and excellent music! she shares my passion for reading and we both like spending time watching movies while feeling comfortable on her parents’ bed. she feeds my hunger for repartees and long conversations. most of all, she believes in me and keeps me up when i’m down. she always does her best to break my falls. she’s willing to stand for me when my knees go buckling.

we call ourselves the magic girls, hehehe. we’re corny like that, but we don’t really care. we enjoy each other’s company anywhere despite the fact that…

this is the picture of our tandem: she’s the angel without wings. i’m the demon without the pitchfork. she represents silence. i represent noise. if she’s good, then i’m evil. if she were a jedi, i’d be a sith. people who know us can attest that we’re opposites. fortunately, we don’t really clash.

two different sides of the same coin. s.a.d. and i.

-¤-

shell, it’s been almost a year since we last saw each other and i’m missing you, too. eventhough cebu and manila are seas apart, know that all that distance is nothing.

this post happens to be my testimonial for you. i got too carried away that it ended in my blog instead of in your friendster account. hehehe. silly me.

p.s. add sappy, too! i haven’t told you this but you probably already know:

my greatest achievement, so far, is being your best friend.

first there was one. now, there are three. meet the voices…

the little voice: ‘a dream that you don’t fight for will haunt you forever.’
the big voice: hahaha. nice try! you got it wrong though. listen. ‘a dream that you don’t fight for will haunt you for the rest of your life.’
the medium voice: duh. it’s ‘a dream that you don’t fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life.’ you know she doesn’t like it when you get things wrong.
me: sssssssshhhhhh. stop it!

the big voice: you should go for that dream you know. you’re cut for it.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the little voice: no, no, no. you should go for that other dream. that’s where we’ll be happy. you know that.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.
the medium voice: methinks you should go for both. yes you can, yes we can. what’s stopping you? have both.
me: sssssssshhhhhh.

pretty soon, i’ll be forced to make a choice. if nothing helpful happens between now and whenever pretty soon will be, i know that when pretty soon finally comes to make me decide, i will be torn like i’ve never been torn before… oh, how could the feeling of doom loom over someone who is supposed to be optimistic?

i’m nearing another crossroad and i can’t blame people for wanting to know what road i’ll be taking in going beyond there. i, myself, would want to know what i’m gonna do next but in as much as i want to be able to provide an answer, i can’t — i do not know yet what my next step will be and that pains me because i am not used to not knowing. i hope people would stop asking because it sends me to that mixed state of depression and confusion. i do not like being uncertain. it makes me sad. it makes me wanna cry. it makes me feel weak.

out there, in the distance, are my dreams. vague pictures. although i have the power to make them crystal clear now, i refuse to. i find myself afraid of what i might see. i still need to muster enough courage to pry into what they really hold for me. up ahead, they are there waiting for me. for now, that’s enough.

two defocused big dreams.

from where i am, that’s what i see. i wish to pursue them both but, as of now, they seem to be incompatible… i do not see them going together. one seems to be oil. the other seems to be water. immiscible. so, the way i see it, one has to give way for the other. whichever i choose will determine the course of my life for, at least, the next two or three years. whichever i choose, will affect the rest of my life. whichever i choose, i stand to lose. ouch! God knows i need a reason to make me able to see them as compatible. then, i could have them both and i shall not be torn.

there’s got to be a way! i don’t wanna pursue one dream, give up the other and, in the end, be haunted by the dream i did not choose. if only i can have my cake and eat it, too…

i’ve been praying for something to happen to make me make up my mind and i’m waiting. He’s taking His time and i’m not gonna tell Him to hurry because i trust His sense of timing.

He knows i want one more than i want the other. i want it so much, it makes me more afraid to go after it whole-heartedly. i want to have it but i’m having second thoughts of giving my all to it because even if i do so, i might still fail. no doubt that if i succeed, i’d be the happiest being i’ll know there is in the world. however, if i fail, what then will be left of me? arrgggh. the dilemma…

you can’t blame me.

i’ve been doing stabs at it, and it seems that no matter what i do, i can’t really have it. sure, sometimes i get a hold of it but it slips away within moments. it has a lot of promise but it seems too fleeting… it seems to be forever ahead of me and won’t settle on my palm.

it’s too early to give up, i know, but i’m already tired of trying. that is why i’m back to waiting…

and, yes, hoping that when pretty soon comes, i won’t have to choose after all. it could be that, from afar, the desires of my mind, heart and soul are different but, at close range, they are one and the same. maybe it’s just a matter of perspective.

sana lang…

the little voice: ha! i knew it! she wants my dream!
the big voice: silly, she meant the other one. she meant my dream!
the medium voice: come on, she already said she wants both. let her take her time. she’ll find a way at hitting them both with a single stone, so to speak. she always does, you know that.
me: whatever.

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”
– Frederick Buechner

“can i keep you?”
– Casper, 1995

the story continues to unfold…

everything happened so fast. one moment, rho ‘99 was inside the classroom studying music, the next moment rho ‘99 was cramped into the small space that was the guidance office.

chapter 4: first the disaster, then…
ingredients to be added:
1 guidance office
1 terrific duo (a.k.a. ma’am guidance counselor & mrs. duranta)
1 sidekick
1 dramatic dishwasher
1 john denver song

ma’am wasn’t locked out of the rho ‘99 classroom for so long. to make way for her, the table pushed to the door was pulled away.

…but the harm has been done.

ma’am entered the classroom and called off the class. then, she went out. the next thing we knew, mrs. duranta walked through the could-have-been-forgotten hallway leading to our room beside the smelly cr to “invite” us to “talk things over” at the guidance office.

so, there was the class of rho ‘99… disturbed from studying, forced to fit into the crampy office, not really knowing why and how things happened, processing music, thinking about gamelans and pentatonic scales, not realizing the gravity of the situation, clueless of the things to come.

then came the voices…

ma’am guidance counselor: what went into your minds, rho?!
mrs. duranta: anong pumasok sa mga utak n’yo, rho?!
sidekick: bitaw! unsa’y nisulod sa inyong mga utok, rho?!

english. filipino. bisaya.

with minds still trying to fathom things and contemplating about the gamelans and the pentatonic scales, rho responded. with silence. with puzzled looks. utterly lost. distracted by the barrage of questions and quite disturbed to hear mrs. duranta and the sidekick translating ma’am guidance counselor’s questions into filipino and bisaya, respectively. questioning.

what’s with the world? why are we here? what happened? why are they raising their voices? why do they seem to be speaking in tongues? how do we respond? in english? in filipino? or in bisaya? or combination of all three?

ma’am guidance counselor: rho? what? answer!
mrs. duranta: rho? ano? sagot!
sidekick: rho? unsa? tubag!

english. filipino. bisaya. again.

silence. lyrics and tune of japan’s sakura song, gamelans and pentatonic scales resonated in the puzzled minds. more questions. slow realization.

ma’am guidance counselor: ha? model section at that? why, rho? what happened can’t be tolerated. you shouldn’t be emulated.
mrs. duranta: model section pa man din kayo. bakit, rho? hindi pwedeng bale-wala-in ang nangyari. hindi kayo dapat tularan.
sidekick: mao, model section man unta mo… dili jud mo dapat pamarisan.

why, rho? bakit, rho?

the song about cherry blooms, the gamelans and the pentatonic scales vanished. realization hit a new home. it hit bottom with a mighty thud and with it, the rho crystal bubble shattered.

so, something did happen.

one by one, we were questioned as to our respective roles in the misdeed. some did not know. some said none. some denied their participation. out of the many who participated, only four admitted their bits.

ma’am guidance counselor: you disappoint us, rho.
mrs. duranta: disappointed kami sa inyo, rho.
sidekick: bitaw, disappointed mi sa inyo, rho.

in the end, it was still the entire class that got judged guilty of the misconduct. rho ‘99 was told parents were to be informed and that they’re expected in school the following morning to attend an emergency meeting with the guidance counselor. we were told that we ought to do duranta planting for two days, and we ought not be allowed to make up for whatever lectures, recitations, and exams missed during those two days.

duranta. dark cloud. jeopardized acads. dark clouds. guidance counselor to meet the parents. dark clouds, indeed.

that january afternoon, it seemed rho ‘99 gave up the throne of honor and slandered the squeaky clean reputation of section rho in our high school’s history. the cloaked insults we received that day (and the days after) insinuated that. from being the revered sweet cream of the crop, the class became the foul sour cream — fit for the trash bin, fit for nothing.

that same afternoon, rho ‘99 was allowed out of the guidance office. the class proceeded to the music room where a furious and equally disappointed music teacher called off the exam and left us to ourselves to deal with our issues.

it was then when rho ‘99 exhibited mixed emotions in between questions, plans, confusion, delusions, accusations, judgements, arguments, resolutions and whatever. some cared. some were forced to care. some were brought to tears. some were amused. some were puzzled. some were left clueless. some chose to be left clueless. some felt cheated. some thought nothing. some were thrilled. some got dramatic.

or something to that effect. that was the impromptu speech of the all-of-a-sudden dramatic dishwasher, best in math, and sole candidate for valedictorian. (to the entity: hehehe, we are friends. don’t sue me for this!) when she first asked to be heard, the class thought that what she had to say was a nice proposition that would somehow help us out of the deephole we had fallen into.

but what did her washing the dishes have to do with the problem? your guess is as good as mine: nothing.

it turned out, she merely panicked… but she can’t be blamed for giving that privilege speech. she, of all people, had the most to lose with what happened. after all, a record of grave misdemeanor disqualifies anyone from graduating with honors. she was right that it was unfair. she never had a hand in the unbecoming conduct of the class because, on that fateful afternoon, when everything was going on inside that room near the smelly cr, her mind was busy with the gamelans and the pentatonic scales. i should know. she was seated just behind me.

anyway, best in math’s speech temporarily sidetracked the class from immediately giving the apology that we owed ma’am. by the time we got to her office, she was gone. (ayan tuloy. ginawa mo kasing big deal na nag-wash ka ng dishes. tapos, kinuwento mo pa talaga sa ‘min with matching tears. hehehe.)

believing that the sun must not set with unresolved ugly issues, we decided to visit her at home on that same day. although she did not allow us in (it’s difficult to accommodate all 38 of us), ma’am accepted our apology and listened to us as we sang to her her favorite song, john denver’s…

“perhaps love is like a resting place / a shelter from the storm / it exists to give you comfort / it is there to keep you warm / and in those times of trouble / when you are most alone / the memory of love will bring you home./ perhaps love is like a window / perhaps an open door / it invites you to come closer / it wants to show you more / and even if you lose yourself / and don’t know what to do / the memory of love will see you through./ oh, love to some is like a cloud / to some as strong as steel / for some a way of living / for some a way to feel / and some say love is holding on / and some say letting go / and some say love is everything / and some say they don’t know./ perhaps love is like the ocean / full of conflict, full of pain / like a fire when it’s cold outside / or thunder when it rains / if i should live forever / and all my dreams come true / my memories of love will be of you.”

all that in a single afternoon.

rho ‘99 sat on a throne,
rho ‘99 had a great fall,
all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
wondered if rho ‘99 can put everything back together again.

we’ll see… we’ll see…

to be continued in paskin episode… (part 4)
whoa! at first i didn’t plan to have a part 2
and now, i’m talking about part 4. oh well…